Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
