He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
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And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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