I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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