did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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