Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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