You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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