You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
