It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
