I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
