Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.