Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?