Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
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So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar