if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.