I wish life had little blips of pornography
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.