My room smells like vodka and shame
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
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i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.