Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
All I want is dick and wine.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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