My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
