I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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