Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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