ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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