mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
