Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
