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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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