I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
