It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
either way he was missing a nipple.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
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Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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