Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
