if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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