So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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