i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
