Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
