I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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