It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
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He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
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Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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