When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
