on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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