Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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