I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
