whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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