This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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