I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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