You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
