my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
