glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
