So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
