1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
