I cannot find my penis.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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