i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
