apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
