Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
