I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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