but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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