i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
