we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
