meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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