Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?