He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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