Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
a search helicopter?!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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