i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
