Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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